23 Thoughts I’ll Definitely Have on Valentine’s Day


Saturday marks my favorite day of the year. Well not my favorite, Christmas and Fourth of July definitely come in the top, but Valentine’s Day has always come pretty close.

I am not really sure what it is – if it’s the chocolates and conversation hearts or just the feeling in the air (cliche). I’ve been pretty much guaranteed a valentine for the past 22 years – whether it was my classmates, dad, or even a special someone. So this year? I think I can guess a few of the many thoughts I’ll have from the minute my feet hit the floor in the morning until I fall back asleep at night:

1. What day is todaa-oh. Ugh, wine, now.

2. I’m really glad your boyfriend just bought you a Brownie Batter Heart Donut but all I need right now is my iced green tea so stop hugging him like its a diamond fucking ring, move over, and let me order….okay now get home and back into bed.

3. Doo-daa-doo, one more Kohls commercial with hearts flying across the screen and this clicker will be thrown.

4. Okay Jess, shower.

5. Shave your legs, you’ll literally feel #great. Hurry put your knee under water now the pai-OWWWWWW-n is over.

6. Is the package store open yet? Keys…keys…keys…here they are!

7. *Hitting head against the steering wheel at couple sucking tongue at a red light.* now it’s green…GREEN MEANS GO PEOPLE.

8. Okay I can’t see any couples in the package store so MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE…..okay we’re in. 3 bottles for $15? Hellaaaaagood.

9. Call Ali, she better be around tonight.

10. Chipotle for lunch? Treat yo’ self.

11. I’d rather hold hands with this burrito.

12. To the guy trying to hit on me on my way out…No. Just, no.

13. Kelly Clarkson on the radio? Yes. Yes. And yes.

14. Okay Ali said single is the new black so0o0o what to wear tonight?

15. Black dress….black tights….no bra….no boundaries.

16. Was that seriously the last drop of wine? Keys….keys…keee-oh here’s another bottle!

17. Bae mad I ain’t ’round tonight? You snooze you lose. I’m going for a G!RL$ NiiGH+

18. Dammit Ali wore hoops. She’s so good at this single thing.

19. I don’t do fireball but when I do…

20. To the girl sobbing in the corner….get over yourself.

21. “ALLLLLL THE SINGLE LADIES” *trips over self while running to find Ali & singing loudly*

22. Fa-fa-fa-fa-fireball round 6.

23. *shamefully joining the girl sobbing in the corner*


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