Fear is something that never really affected me. Of course I have always had a fear of elevators, filling up my car with gas, and the occasional spider, but lately it’s been a fear that sits in my stomach and aches up my heart.
The fear of losing a loved one.
My grandpa has been sick for years and now, as I’m sitting in the hospital, it’s pretty safe to say he is really sick. I love my Poppy more than words can explain but I’m ready to let him go. To see him in ICU for weeks on end with tubes down his throat, in his neck, around his nose, and down his leg, literally turns my stomach inside out. That’s not the Poppy I know. The Poppy I know used to bring me to pre-school every day with the tune of “high-ho-high-ho it’s off to Holy Infant we go”, bring my sister and I to every movie that came out in theaters, treat us to a McDonald Playground day if we were extra cute, and consistently update me on how them ol’ Yanks were doing..and of course inform me when The Red Sox lost.
Poppy, my point is that you were the best grandpa I could ever ask for. You always caught me when I jumped in the pool, and as I’ve gotten older never hesitated to tell me how beautiful I look when I come home for a weekend from school. You also are the typical worried grandpa to tell me to wear a jacket when it’s cold and make sure someone walked me to and from class to make sure I was safe…I may have never wore a jacket and on the safest campus in the country, never needed someone to walk me to class but I will never forget how much you loved and cared for me. I’m writing this to tell you it’s okay to go.
You’ve done all you could for me down here and now I need you above to look over me as I continue going through life. Every sunrise in the east will warm me in the morning and the sunsets in the west will give me comfort that you’re okay up there. Every time those Yanks win I will know it’s because of you, but if The Red Six get ahead I’ll be sure to holler at you during my prayers at night! We will all be okay down here, but we all need someone above to look over us and keep us on track. Plus you have a whole family waiting for you up there and your best friend Frisco..don’t forget he hates leashes so don’t walk him on a leash!
I love you Poppy and I’m fearful of losing you. Terribly fearful-but only because I think MeMe is going to go crazy and not know what to do with herself without taking care of you!! My stomach aches to see you like this and my heart swells up, but if you’re ready to let go, then so are we. We will never cease to think about you with every day that passes. You say you’re not in pain so we will take your word on that.